Spring!!

I just want to make it known once and for all... I LOVE Spring. It is by far my favorite season. A lot of sun, a little rain. Warmer, but not hot. Things starting to turn green, to come back to life! Oh yes. Spring is my happy thought. :)


This year to welcome Spring I went to Holi - the Festival of Colors at the Sri Sri Radna Krishna Temple in Spanish Fork. In India, Holi is the Hindu celebration to welcome spring. People "throw their worries to the wind." Everyone is covered with colors! Read more about it here.

We drove up with plenty of time to park and walk (from far away) up to the temple. We walked around the temple and got to take off our shoes and go inside. It was fascinating. I love other cultures. We had a Middle Eastern studies major with us and it was so interesting to hear him tell about some of the traditions and history. There is so much truth in other religions. We worked our way through a mob of people and bought our colors (colored chalks) and then worked our way into the middle of the crowd. We waited for the countdown and then everyone threw their chalk into the air. There was about 5 minutes of pure chalk. It was dark and you couldn't breathe but it was so much fun! The dust began to settle and once our colors were gone we pushed our way out of the crowd. I don't think my description can do justice to what a fun experience I had or what a crazy feeling it was in the middle of all of those people. I really loved it. Here are some pictures:

[Before]

[And After] (from left to right - Isaac, Me, Patrick, Lauren, Stephanie)

We came home and after some intense brushing and shaking and dusting I hopped into the shower. Apparently I hadn't gotten hardly any of the chalk out of my hair because the water turned pink and purple for a few minutes. I scrubbed and scrubbed but it all came out quite nicely!


After we all cleaned up, Patrick, Isaac, a super fun girl named Nicole and I all went out on a date to dinner at Goodwood. It was fantastic. We had a little bit of everything and it all tasted so good! Patrick looked at me when our food arrived and said "I guess I should have made sure you like meat." My reply, "You are talking to a girl who grew up on a beef farm!" After that we went on an adventure to try to watch Beauty and the Beast and ended the night taking a lovely walk along the Provo River Trail. I had such a fun night. I laughed so much. :)


Sunday was a fast Sunday. I love the power of music. So many of my answers come from the hymns. I have so much in the next little while. At some point I'll hear back from EFY. I need to decide what to do for summer term. I have to take the GRE. I have to choose and apply to grad schools. I have to decide if I want to serve a mission. At some point I want to find a husband. Which also means I need to be becoming the kind of person some one would want as a wife. And all of that is a little overwhelming. So I told that to Heavenly Father and asked him for direction. I found the beginning of my answer in a hymn. It wasn't anything specific... it's not like the words sang out my future. But I was reminded to take it one step at time. So first things first. I need to make summer plans, prepare for the things that are coming fall and then just focus on finishing this semester. I'm going to rock it, just watch. :)


But before focusing, what is Spring without Spring Break? My family is on Spring Break this week and came down to Zion National Park. I knew they were coming and I was so jealous. I love everything about the outdoors and even more than that I wanted to be with my family. I was whining to my mom on Friday about how much I wanted to go and she said Rach, so come! I thought about it.... I had big assignments that had due dates moved to later in the week. Missing school wouldn't put me that far behind. Hmm. Hmm. I emailed my boss and to my surprise and joy and appreciation... she said I could take off Tuesday! And so, just like that I decided I was going on Spring Break.


I went to work on Monday morning and right when I was done I drove out and met my family in Springville (they'd come down from Grandpa's). Luke jumped in the car with me and we were off. We stopped for lunch and Megan traded Luke and drove for me. I took a glorious nap... I love sleeping in the car! Nicole joined us at a rest area and after a few hours of following the motor home we were in Zion!

[can you see the I love you's in the window?]

We arrived at the campground and parked. Then Dad, Karl, Luke and I took off on a drive while the girls put together dinner. We drove through a huge tunnel. It is 1.1 miles and is built inside of a huge sandstone cliff. It was so cool. There are windows through part of it and you get a stunning view! Luke's comment: "This tunnel rocks". Followed by "Get it? Rocks?" Haha. :)

We went back again after dinner, this time with Mom and went all the way up to Checkerboard Mesa. The picture really doesn't do it justice. It has lines going down and lines going across and makes perfect squares. Super cool. We also saw some mountain goats on the drive. The momma ewe butted her baby in the butt to make it go... so cute!

Back at camp we set up the tent trailer and then started our traditional game of Mormon Bridge. I've been playing that game on camping trips with my Dad and Grandpa since I was about 8 years old. It is absolutely one of my very favorites. They used to play their cards just right to let me win. Now Dad tries to play his cards just right so that he can foul me up. It is a little competitive, a little heated, a lot of laughing, and a lot of fun. It wouldn't be camping without it.

On Tuesday we woke up (late - at least Megan and I) and had some breakfast (apples and oats - yummy!). We packed lunch and filled waterbottles and headed to Angel's Landing.

[that's it, in the background (!)]

Let me tell you. It was an intense climb. The first part is your basic hike - switchbacks like anything normal. Then a little bit more than halfway up there are switchbacks called Wally's Wiggles. They are about 20 feet long and go up about 20 feet each time. Aka... STEEP. But fun. Luke loved that part. Then you reach a little mesa. That is where anyone in their right mind would stop. But we didn't. We took a path carved into the sandstone, assisted by chains across a narrow saddle out to Angel's Landing. It was crazy. I don't love heights. [Note: I'm not afraid of heights per se, they don't terrify me, and I like to do them because of the adventures that they often have with them, but they are a little harder for me than for some people.] But it was totally worth it. We didn't see any angels but I sure know why they would land there! Look at that view!

We ate lunch at the top, took a nice break and then made our way back down. Going down is more awkward than coming up but I totally did it! [obviously, since I'm writing this] We drove up the rest of the canyon to see what we could see and then went back and relaxed at camp. I had to drive home and so I left about 5:00. [For future reference: with two stops, it took exactly 4 hours to get home from the campground]. It was an okay drive. I love driving in the day time but it was pretty windy. And later it got dark and even windier which really wasn't the most fun to drive in. But I made it back, safe, sound and happy! I'm so glad I got to go!


Other things of note: The Blind Side was just as wonderful the second time. I wonder if I should have been an accountant. I sat down and did Eva, Heather's and my taxes during the movie and I honestly think it's kinda fun. Granted, we are doing the easy versions but still, I like it. I got elected to be Secretary for the Stand for the Family Club on campus. Two awesomes to that: I get to be a secretary and it's for Stand for the Family! Writing a bio about yourself is not an easy task. General Conference is this weekend! I got a letter from Craig today! :) [and it was super happy]. I love folk dance... watching Lyss was so much fun! 16 days until finals. And, I started my blog just over two (!) years ago. I can't believe how fast time has gone by.

Just a good day

Today was just a good day.

I got 7 hours of sleep.

I woke up with time to proof my papers with Mom.

I had time to curl my hair and do my makeup.

I went to work.

I turned in two big papers.

I took a nutrition exam (and did better on it than the previous two).

I worked on research for a project due in two weeks.

I went to yoga.

Let me point out a couple things: I had not one but two papers due and I slept for 7 hours. That doesn't ever happen when papers are due. Let's be honest, I am a procrastinator. (Although I have an obsession with being on time - that's a lovely combination). I rarely finish papers before 1 or 2 in the morning before they are due. And I woke up in time to look cute. That really never happens on a day when big assignments are due or I have a big test. I rocked my nutrition test. I am working on a project due two weeks from now. That really never happens. And I went to yoga. Seriously, what a good day!

Other things of note from the past few days: Heather is my favorite person to study with. Last night we totally cranked it out, in part to a spontaneous trip to spoon it up because we were falling asleep. Sorbet is my favorite. I love it so much more than ice cream or frozen yogurt. I love my sister. I'm counting down til she visits during her spring break. I love country music. I know I've said that a lot in the past few days but I've been obsessed for the last little bit. I am so done with my clothes. I need some new things to spice up my wardrobe. I feel so not cute and seriously out of style when I walk around campus. Although I also realize that about half the outfits I look at I would never buy or wear [soap box for just a second - the dress standards of the honor code which we all signed say that clothing is inappropriate if it is form fitting and that skirts and dresses should be knee length or longer - why do people think putting tight leggings and a short skirt together is modest? - sorry, off the soap box]. So, Heather and I have requested catalogs from every store you can think of (including some of my favorites in London) and we are going to sit down and plan out some spring shopping . Then we are going to go to the DI, Ross, Savers, TJ Maxx, etc. and piece together some fantastic outfits. Good idea huh? Most importantly, I am happy. Life hasn't quite fallen into place yet but I am confident that it will. I think the sunshine reminds me that everything is going to be just great.

144 days!

I don't think you have any idea how excited I am for Lake Powell. I seriously think about it every single day. And every time that I do I get so happy! Lake Powell is my favorite place on the entire earth. And the above pictures explain why better than I ever could. So let me describe them to you. First is our houseboat, Belinda! She is perfect. Absolutely perfect. I've seen many many houseboats and I have yet to see one that I'd like as much as I love her. Rainbow Bridge. I've only been up to it once but we're going again this year. Isn't it stunning? It's longer than a football field and taller than the capitol building. Hiking. When I was little I was terrified of sandstone. It was slippery and I was afraid I would fall. But my Grandpa taught me a little line (that has helped with life as well as hiking) "Trust your feet." And I learned that as I trusted my feet I could climb all over! Boating out on the main channel, seeing new things and being with my cousins and brothers. I love the smell of the water. I love the adventure that waits around every corner. And I love children. SO much! Hole in the Rock. I've actually never climbed all the way up. We went once when I was little and I got scared so my Grandma stayed with me halfway. But that is one of the places we are going this year and I can't wait. I am in awe that the pioneers brought wagons down that little crack in the sandstone. I hope that I can have faith and trust like that someday. Playing in the water. We are going in August. Which means the air will be hot and the water will be warm. And with that combination there is nothing better than being in the water. We jump off of the diving board, slide down the slide, ski, kneeboard, tube, float, fish, etc. I love water. (Almost as much as I love sunshine - and at Lake Powell - I get BOTH!) Most of all, I am excited for just how beautiful it is. The red cliffs, the water, the blue sky. Oh my goodness. I am so so so excited. Bouncing up and down and grinning from ear to ear just thinking about it! So 144 days! Not that I am counting or anything. :)

Other things of note besides my obsession with Lake Powell: Yoga is my happy thought. It's funny how I forget sometimes how good I feel when I do things (like yoga) and don't do them. But rediscovering them is just wonderful. Looking cute makes me happy. I like to look how I feel and I feel like life is beautiful and I want that reflected in my appearance. I miss our ward from last year. We really had an exceptional group of people. However, I also am finding some people that I really enjoy in this ward (now that I have 4 weeks left to be with them - great job Rach). Sometimes curling up in your bed with a huge pile of pillows and blankets and watching a chick flick is exactly what you need. "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." I've watched that movie a thousand times and said that quotes hundreds of times but I forget so it was a really important reminder for me right now. I have been very guilty of this in the past but I'm playing now. No matter if I strike out or not! The temple is such a wonderful place. I love it because I can take all the little pieces of things that have stood out to me in the last little bit and focus them into something tangible, into something understandable. It isn't that I have a huge spiritual lightening bolt that comes down and gives me the answers that I am asking for but I can feel the Spirit guiding me, directing me toward the things that are important in my life. The temple helps me to clear my mind and refocus. I love it. I love playing with children. So much. I am so glad I get to volunteer every week at the treatment center. This week I spent time with a boy who reminded me of my own brother and then with a three year old who took me up and down the playground seriously 30 times. But I am not as small as I used to be. I have to bend and twist to go through the bars and down the slides. And believe me, my body is reminding me of that now. :) I don't study very well when Heather is looking at bridal magazines, which our apartment is full of right now. BYU basketball needs to rebound and cover on threes. (As if I have room to talk - I couldn't make a free throw to save my life.) Playing at the park is my favorite thing to do and I can't wait til the nice weather is here to stay so I can do it all the time. We played on the swings and playground and played kickball in the tennis courts (awkward when you have a net in the middle of the outfield). It's awesome when your reflexes kick in and your body does things you didn't know you could do. Someone threw a ball at me to get me out but I leaped up and jumped over it. It was awesome. Sunday afternoon naps in the sun make everything look better. And making carrot cake with Heather makes everything look even better. And taking that cake to boys who appreciate it makes it the best. I spent two hours outside yesterday talking on the phone and reading my scriptures and I sunburnt my arms! Oops. And because I had my hand up to my ear I have an awkward line on my arm. But I don't care. I love the sun so much that I'll take it anyway I can get it. I'm just happy I could spend that much time outside. Country music makes my world. I've been missing home just a little bit so I've been listening to our home radio station online and it just makes my day. Even the commercials make me feel at home. FHE is fantastic. 24 blows my mind - I love Chloe. I love a good political discussion every now and again. Especially when people are just expressing opinions and not trying to push their agenda onto whoever is listening. Cleaning checks are my favorite days of the month. I want to have them in my real home when I grow up. Deep cleaning once a month makes everything so much nicer! I am dreading this week with 2 paper and an exam. But if you can believe it we are almost to the end of the semester... 3 weeks from today is the last day of class, 4 weeks from today I'll be done with finals!

You know you are a farmer when...

[From my mother]

You know you are a farmer when:

-You know in March what the fair concert is going to be. (Clay Walker!)

-You have the choice of Newsweek, Reminisce, Guideposts, medical journals and a farm catalog to fill a few minutes and you pick the Farmtek catalog (pig water systems, chicken shelters, hay tarps, you get the picture).

-The speaker at church tells the story of the "cow that wasn't going to make it through the night" with the little girl who prays for the cow and you can not only relate, you've been there and get teary eyed.

-The favorite place for the kids to play is near the calf pen. And the highlight of their day is when the sick calf gets up to suck on the bottle.

I love our farm!

Megan's Blood Drive Adventure

This story is from my little sister. She had an adventure today while giving blood and she typed it for me to share with all of you. You will laugh.

Today there was a blood drive at my school.
We do them about twice a year because there are so many students that not everyone that wants to has a chance. I didn't get to do it last time and I really wanted to this time, BUT, my friend Karissa and I heard about the blood drive a couple days after everyone else so we didn't get time slots but we were put on the alternate list in case other students were deferred. I did everything I was supposed to just in case I got the chance to participate (I have never donated blood before and I really, really wanted to).
I drank plenty of water yesterday,
I ate a balanced, high protein breakfast,
and I drank plenty of water this morning.
I got called down during third period to donate and I was SO excited!
I read all the information, had my interview done, AND I PASSED.
I didn't have any diseases or cold symptoms,
I hadn't spent too much time outside of the U.S.
ETC.....
So they put me in a reclining chair, gave me a stress ball and put nasty orange and greenish iodine all over my arm. BLEH.
They marked my vein and...
A pinch and a sting later my blood was flowing through a tube.
After I was done they sat me up and I felt just the slightest bit light headed so I sat there for a second and it passed.
I got up, was escorted to the snack table, got some water and some nutter butters and sat down at a little table to fill out the survey.
A volunteer came and asked me how I was feeling, I said just a touch light headed and, that I really needed to use the restroom. She told me that as soon as i didnt feel light headed anymore she would escort me to the bathroom.
I started filling out my survey, and as i was looking down i was like... "Woah. I feel really light headed."
It kept getting worse so I told the nice volunteer lady that I was really, really light headed.
She came over and put her hands on my shoulders and said something to someone I dont remember.

I hear voices in my head.
A man and a woman talking.
They sound kinda like reporters or something on the radio.
My first thought is "I need to change the station..."
I open my eyes and see people knneeling over me.
Their mouths are moving but I don't hear anything except the voices in my head fading away. I finally hear the school nurse asking me if I hit anything when I fell.
I fell???
THEN I realize I'm lying on the floor with people standing all around me.
THEN I realize that I just gave blood and I must have passed out.
THEN I feel something wet on my pants.

JUST AN FYI. Next time you plan on passing out, make sure you pee BEFORE you pass out. NOT while you are unconcious on the floor. {You are welcome to laugh out loud and make all the peope around you stare like they are missing a huge joke. Because they are. I, an 18 year old girl, "had an accident" in the middle of the gym floor.}

Well, life goes on... they had my feet up and a cold towel on my head, they tell me i am doing fine, that I woke up soon enough they didn't have to call 911.
(At this point I am thinking... this might not be what you want to tell every person who passes out. I thought it was kinda cool that if I had been out about ten more seconds they were gonna call an ambulance, but other ppl might not take it quite as well. Actually... I know a few who would have out right panicked.)
The nurse said she was gonna call my mom and have her pick me up and I tried to tell her I would be fine if my mom would just bring me a change of clothes but she didn't agree. (Apparantly my green shirt and shoes weren't the only part of me that was celebrating St. Patrick's Day. My face matched. :o )
Well, they called my mom, sent me home and told me to drink lots of fluids. I was annoyed and thought i would be fine to go back to school in like an hour or so.
I was not.
I was freezing cold for no good reason (I had 2 blankets on top of me). I developed a huge headache, and eight hours after my episode I sat up too quickly and had to sit very still and breathe deeply for quite some time to not fall over.

BUT

This whole episode comes to right near the top of my most exciting days list.
All in all, (even including the stupid headache that wont go away) it was not a bad experience. I enjoyed giving blood and am planning on doing it again.

HOWEVER....

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Use the bathroom BEFORE you give blood. Just in case.

[Note from Rachel: I love my little sister. So much. She made me laugh hysterically by telling me this story on the way home from school.]

St. Patrick's Day

Random musings about my day:

I barely remembered to put on my green this morning while I was running out the door. Last year I forgot all together! Sometimes I really enjoy my job. Like right now, the army owes us money for consulting work that one of the professors has been doing for them. I sent an invoice in September and another in December both for about $3,000 and never got any response. Finally the professor told them he wasn't doing anymore work til he got paid. Now it's been a ridiculous round about trying to figure out where the problem happened and why and honestly it's all kind of amusing to me. Plus this morning one of the grad students brought in green bagels for all of us to eat at work which was pretty fun. :). I love taking naps on campus. Though it is a little disconcerting to wake up and have someone sitting across from you that wasn't there when you fell asleep. I was walking home today from school and Megan told me the funniest story about giving blood. I laughed the whole way home. (Maybe I'll have her write it up and post it so you can all laugh too). Running with Heather to the park and swinging is my happy thought the past few days... it is seriously such a stress relief. I know that things are looking so much better because of taking that time just to be. I'm a little confused about something someone said but am deciding to ignore it and act the way I had originally planned. I get frustrated when my roommates argue. And I get more frustrated when people act like I am deaf and oblivious. I can be kinda flighty/forgetful when I am talking and in the middle of my thoughts but overall I am a very observant and very attentive person. I'm not stupid. Filling out the census made me feel extremely important. I really wish I could skip the busy projects and tests the next few weeks holds and go straight to spring. My future is still kinda sorta (okay completely) stressing me out but I've been getting little tender mercy answers right and left reminding me that I can have hope and that everything will work out. Here's a few:

“God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely.”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Love of God,” Ensign, Nov. 2009, 22

“Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope."

James E. Faust, “Hope, an Anchor of the Soul,” Ensign, Nov. 1999, 59

“My message to you today, my brothers and sisters, is simply this: the Lord is in control. He knows the end from the beginning. He has given us adequate instruction that, if followed, will see us safely through any crisis. His purposes will be fulfilled, and someday we will understand the eternal reasons for all of these events. Therefore, today we must be careful to not overreact, nor should we be caught up in extreme preparations; but what we must do is keep the commandments of God and never lose hope!”

M. Russell Ballard, “The Joy of Hope Fulfilled,” Ensign, Nov. 1992, 31

I am on a mailing list from lds.org that sends out "gems" for young single adults every other day and these are what have come the past few days. Inspired? I sure think so.

In conclusion, Happy St. Patrick's Day and best of luck to you!

Sunshine!

Can I just tell you how much I ADORE sunshine? There is NOTHING happier to me than walking outside and feeling the warm sunshine on my skin. It's like everything in the world just became happy and good no matter what is going on. Sunshine is the epitome of my happy girl feeling. Yes, there may be rainstorms coming. There may be snow and wind and fog and slushy sleet. The wind may blow and make everything miserable. But no matter what happens, the sun ALWAYS comes back out. And even in the middle of the storms it is shining underneath it all. Maybe that's a weird analogy but I really think that it explains my personality. Generally the sun shines. Generally I am happy. Sometimes storms come and the sun is blocked by those. Sometimes life is hard and happiness is blocked by the hard emotions that come with those. But the sun always shines even when you can't see it. And even in the midst of all the hard times I try to keep my happy perspective. Eventually, the storms go away and the sun comes back out to shine and make everything positively joyful. At the end of the day, the hard things in life will pass and I am happy, positively joyful. Does that make any sense? I hope so but if not that's okay. I'm going to keep on being happy and loving sunshine no matter what anyone else says.

Let me tell you a little bit about my happy days in the sun.

Monday morning I woke up at 7:47. I'm supposed to leave for work at 7:45. Oops! I threw on clothes and ran out the door. Turns out I threw them on a little too quickly because several hours into the day Jordan told me that my shirt was inside out! How embarrassing! Oh well, at least I could laugh at myself for my silliness. I had a huge presentation for parenting and turned in a big project for nutrition. I love the feeling after finishing something big that was hanging over your head. I came home and started laundry and went to the gym. Heather came over after a run and we talked for a little bit. After a while she said, I feel like I could run some more. I said, Do you want to? And so even though we'd both already gone running we went again. We ended up at the park where we played on the swings and teeter totter and bars. I flipped over and over again. There is something wonderful about flipping your world upside down. It was gorgeous outside and I was SO happy. I spent the rest of the evening cleaning my room and showering. When life is all put together I feel so much better about myself. (Also, I got a piece of four-layer chocolate cake from Magleby's from Jessica - my ward is the best - I have been so taken care of while having a hard time).

Today was just one of those good days. Probably spill over from yesterday. When I got back from work and class I did homework. Then Heather and I went running and to the park again. I am going to go to the park everyday (as long as the weather holds) I think. I feel so much happier when I am outside. Then we cleaned up, packed dinner and came onto campus to eat and study. Very very good.

So, with the glorious sunshine, a lot of honesty with myself and a little time I'm going to be just fine.

Remember how I said I rediscovered Defying Gravity? I love it. Absolutely love it. Partially because it reminds me of London when I learned so much about how to be me. And partially because the words really are perfect for what I want to live right now.

Something has changed within me.

Something is not the same.

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes and leap.

I'm through accepting limits

'cause someone says they're so.

Some things I cannot change.

But til I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I lost

We'll if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost.

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity

I'm flying high

Defying gravity

And soon I'll match them in renown

And nobody in all of oz

No wizard that there is or was

Is ever gonna bring me down.

So anyway, if you care to find me, you'll have to look up, I'm going to be flying with the sunshine.

This Weekend I...

On THURSDAY I...

had a second breakdown.

[see previous post]

went to the gym with Rachel Jane.

[good friend + endorphins = feeling much better]

talked on the phone with Sarah.

[another angel]

On FRIDAY I...

went to work.

[fridays make it all worth it]

went to class.

[and ate 3 cookies... love FHE presentations]

started a paper.

[blah]

read facebook messages, emails and blog comments.

[thank you, thank you, thank you]

took a drive, parked at the temple.

[prayers are answered]

signed a housing contract at Roman Gardens.

[third floor, balcony, cheaper, tiny kitchen, next to Gold's]

worked more on my paper.

[blah again]

walked to campus and bumped into Allie.

[who has an adorable haircut]

bumped into Heather.

[who is a happy thought always]

listened to Patrick play piano.

[just amazing & he should have a cd before he graduates]

walked around Kiwanis.

[listening and learning]

made smoothies.

[thank you Eva for being my teacher]

watched the Dark Knight.

[intense but such a good message]

got flowers from Claire

(& the Compassionate Service Committee)

[so thoughtful and such a tender mercy]

On SATURDAY I...

studied for my Adolescent Development test.

[and wrote out a tiny 3x5 card of notes]

listened to music and got ready for the day.

[and rediscovered how much i love defying gravity

and decided to actually live it this time]

took my Adolescent Development exam.

[i think i might actually like the testing center]

drove to the Hale Center Theatre.

[nothing better than time for music and thinking]

called Grandpa to tell him I was there.

[he forgot! so sad!

but tickets were at will call so i still got to watch]

watched Fiddler on the Roof.

[stunning - absolutely incredible performance]

found a quote I love in the program.

["if you always do what you've always done

then you'll always get what you've always gotten"]

drove back.

[i hate driving in snow]

went grocery shopping.

[wal-mart]

overcame a fear.

[and i'm glad i finally did]

took milk from grocery shopping to Heather.

[again, i love that girl]

On SUNDAY I...

woke up.

[and hated whoever invented daylight savings]

went to church.

[and was reminded that all is well]

took a glorious nap.

[nothing like a down blanket and the couch]

worked on march madness.

[i'm behind - but i'm trying to catch up]

worked on a paper and a worksheet.

[eww]

made spiders for a parenting project.

[no wonder people make fun of my major -

i cook for my homework assignments]

blogged.

[obviously]

Breakdown #2

Okay, now I'm ready.

I just had to have one more mini breakdown first.

I went out looking for housing. I'm so stressed about it. I had wanted to live in an adorable house but that fell through and now I waited so long that there aren't too many options left. And as I started to look to housing I started to think about summer (still haven't heard from EFY). And then about applying for grad school. And then about all the things that are happening and changing in my life. They are great things, truly happy things! I'm just so unsure of what is happening, the future is uncertain and today that felt scary. I just don't know what is going to happen and that really stresses me out. It was just a little overwhelming and I lost it again.

So now, after another good cry I really am ready.

Things are going to work out for the best. I'll find a wonderful place to live and I will make it into a home. I'll make plans for summer that will look good on a resume, be fun, and earn money. I'll study hard and rock the GRE. I'll work hard on my grad school applications so that no school will be able to resist me. And at some point I will have a boy who likes to be with me. :) Seriously, Watch out world. Here I come!

Breakdowns and Angels

If you read my entry yesterday you might have noticed that I had a breakdown. I've known it was coming for a while. There is a feeling that just starts to build and you know inevitably that sooner than later you are going to lose it. I cried last week when Grandma died and I cried at the funeral but I knew it wasn't a breakdown sort of cry. I actually came home and told Alyssa that even though it had felt really good to cry I knew I still had a breakdown coming. She told me to make sure I didn't have it while she was gone.

That didn't exactly work out.

I was just journaling about Grandma G last night, just some memories and ended up thinking about Grandma Kris. The tears started to come and then it was as if the floodgates opened. Complete and utter breakdown. Everything that has been cooped up inside for the past few months (it's been a while since I had a good cry) just came pouring out. It was a shaking, sobbing kind of cry. A curl up in a ball and hold onto a pillow and just let it all out kind of cry. I called my Mom and cried harder and became very aware that no one was home. And I started feeling very alone. (A feeling I haven't had in a long time - I've done well with being by myself lately.)

I cried more and more. And I just couldn't take it anymore. So I called Heather. I could hardly speak as she answered and she knew immediately that something was wrong. I choked out that I needed her and she came running over, staying on the phone until she was at the door. She wrapped me up in a huge hug and just let me cry. Then she just let me explain and talk and get calmed down and then she helped me move on to other things. Later there was a knock at the door as Lauren N. came running up as soon as she had read on my blog that I was having a hard time. And Lauren J. called later to make sure that I was okay and let me know that she was there.

There is a talk by Jeffery R. Holland from the October 2008 General Conference titled, "The Ministry of Angels." In it he says,

"But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind..."

"I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal." (emphasis added)

Last night, Heather, Lauren N. and Lauren J. were my angels. Instruments in the hand of God to help me in my hard time, to bring comfort to me when I felt alone. I am so grateful to them for their love and concern for me. It meant everything. Additionally, if Heather hadn't answered there are many others I could have called, could have asked to come and they would have dropped anything and been there for me. My life is filled with angels, with wonderful friends who try to be like Christ.

Also, it should be noted that there is a good reason to have a breakdown. The feeling left after a breakdown is unlike any other. It's like all the frustrations and fears and angers and sad things in life got washed away and like you can wake up in the morning refreshed and ready for the things that are to come. I love that feeling. I have some big things coming up. Some decisions to make, some things to do and I feel like I can face them head on now. I'm ready.

My Grandma G

Today I went to a funeral for my great grandmother (on mom's side - my grandma's mom). We called her Grandma G (G for great). She was my last living great grandparent and is one that I have many fond memories of.


When we would visit Grandma G, we used to race to ring the doorbell and would wait for a tiny women to come to the door. She would take each of us in her hands and look real close and ask, "Now are you Rachel (or whoever she thought you might be)?" She was mostly blind but cared who we were. We would come into her warm house and sit down on the couch. Her house always looked exactly the same. It was always perfectly tidy and clean. There were pictures of her family everywhere. Grandma loved her family very much. There was an old clock on the wall that ticked and chimed. Her newspaper and reading light/magnifying glass were always right next to her rocking chair. The table had swinging chairs attached to it and was just a fantastic shade of green. In the kitchen there were always cookies in the jar (chocolate chip - often with nuts and grandma would apologize if they weren't fresh) and gourp in a little red container. Grandma G would ask how old we were though she already knew (she was the best at remembering dates). We would play with the toys from the closet which included little people (and their house, motor home, and housboat) and a jar of monkeys. We would fight over getting to sit in the tickle chair (a banana chair renamed the tickle chair because whoever sat in it got tickles from Grandma). We would eat cookies from the cookie jar and she'd offer a bowl for you to catch the crumbs in. We'd have a drink of water from a half gallon kept cold in the fridge. She taught us games and rhymes like:
"A rat he sat in his hole to spin,
pussy came by and she peeked in,
What are you doing my little man?
I'm making a coat for a gentleman.
May I come in and wax your thread?
Oh no Miss Puss you'll bite off my head!
Oh no I won't I'll help you to spin.
Maybe so... but you can't come in."
I've probably said that rhyme a thousand times in my life. Grandma G went camping and hiking with us and came to Lagoon. She played the funnest songs on the piano (and could even still play for us this past Christmas). My Grandma G was one of my favorite people to visit and spend time with.


But honestly, Grandma G was lonely. She had been a widow for 22 years. In addition to her husband, she had buried a daughter (my grandmother) and a grandson (my uncle). She was ready to go. And so today I was happy for her. Happy that her pain was gone. Happy that she could be reunited with loved ones again. And so very grateful for the influence her love and life had on me.


But today was really hard at the same time. Mostly because it made me miss my Grandma Kris so badly. Grandma Kris died a few days before I graduated back in May 2007. She was on a cruise and it was a complete surprise. Most of the time, it's okay. Life continues on. But Grandma G's death brought it back so completely and it hurts. It's hard too because as wonderful as it is to be with my family they are very much like my grandma. My (great)Aunt Andrea was talking today and it reminded me so much of Grandma that it just ached inside. I miss Grandma's hugs, her smiles, her happy voice. I wish that she could be a part of my life. It will sound selfish but I miss all the little things she used to do and buy and make for me... the clothes, the books, the music, the blankets. She was the best gift giver. I miss her as part of our trips and vacations. Oh I just wish she was here. I wish she could watch me grow up. I think that the things that I am doing and the choices I'm making would make her proud but I wish she was here to tell me. I had a hard time with all of this during the day today but now back at my apartment tonight I had a complete and total breakdown. All of my roommates wer gone and I just felt so sad and empty and lonely. I just cried and cried. Sometimes it is just hard.


But as hard as today was, it was also just happy. I really have the best family and I love them very much. I got to spend time with my immediate family which is of course happy but then I also got time with my cousins which is very happy. I sometimes only see them once a year at Christmas so it was nice to be with them again so soon. My cousin Grant came up to me and said "Guess What?" I said, "What?" and he replied, "I LOVE YOU!" I taught him that years ago and he still always says it to me. I played with Adam in the gym, chasing and tickling. I got to catch up with Brianne and Braden and we all just laughed like we were only 8 years old again. I spent a lot of time with Michael and Tristan who really made me laugh. They are the funniest couple and I hope that I have a relationship like theirs someday. They tease and joke but underneath it all you can tell how much they love each other. They also told me to come visit, an invitation I intend to act on very soon.


I am so grateful for the knowledge of a Plan of Salvation. For a Savior who make sure that all is right in the end. I could not bear it if I didn't know that there was much much more waiting for us than the here and now of this life.


Grandma G with her great grandchildren - December 2006. (old picture but the only one I had on my computer)

Things to Note...

I don't have time for a full write up right now but I don't want to get any farther behind. So here are things to note from the past weekish.

Making cookies is the funnest way to do a book report. And I love teachers who assign book reports with the explicit instructions that they are not to be a normal written report. Apartment hunting is so frustrating and ridiculous and stupid. I think I'm just living in a tent next year. That's honor code approved right? Jazz Voices was THE happiest concert I have been to in a long time... and I've been to several concerts. I absolutely loved it. I need to grow about 3 inches so I can climb trees more easily. Or I need a stool. I really should learn more than two songs on the guitar so that when someone asks me to play I have options. That will have to be a project for spring term I think. Studying for the GRE is so much more fun when you are doing it with Patrick than when you are by yourself. Grandma G died on Thursday, March 4. I have the best friends to take care of me when I need hugs. I love knowing things. Volunteering for Stand for the Family was a really good Friday night. Attending Stand for the Family on Saturday was REALLY good. I picked up a lot of good tidbits and Lyss and I had a lot of fun talking about what to do with it. Helping Jord move was happy... too bad I never saw her apartment when she lived in it! Lyss and Dan are just great friends to have... going to the gym and hot tubbing with them Saturday night was the best. Fast Sundays are incredible. CES firesides are incredible. Heather is incredible. She is one of my favorite people to talk to. Watching 24 on Monday nights with the boys and Carly makes my week. I love the boys so much. It doesn't get any better than sitting in the middle of the three of them playing pocket tanks. Patrick's code/language makes me happy. Provo weather is absurd. Boys are dumb. My cell phone is my favorite thing. 11 days til the first day of spring!

Hope

I know you are all just dying for an update on my life.

but my nutrition test corrections are also dying for my attention.

and I'm afraid that they are going to take priority right now.

But in the mean time.

Here is a video based on a talk given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

It's just over two minutes long.

I promise you those minutes will be worth it.

You should watch it. And reflect on it. Maybe watch it again.

President Uchtdorf is a prophet called of God.

And his words are true.

They will change your life.

They have made a huge difference in mine.