A Generation Failing to Commit

Do you like how I said that I was going to be writing more and then didn't write again for like three weeks? Oops!


I promise I didn't die. [Clearly - since I'm writing to you now]. Lots of things happened and I can't really describe how pivotal and important and wonderful and good this term ended up being for me. I've learned and grown a lot. I've been ridiculously happy.


But right now I wanted to explain the main reason why I disappeared for the last month.


This term I took my advanced writing course [required for general education]. As part of that we were required to write a 12-15 page paper. Because we were on the term [half as many classes, twice as fast] we were assigned to work in a group.


I'm not going to lie. I was dreading the assignment. As if it wasn't bad enough to have to write a ridiculously long paper, now I was going to have to try to work in a group. Group projects are notoriously awful. You have a hard time getting schedules coordinated. Someone always ends up not doing their share of the work. You have different standards for quality of work and different expectations for grades. You have different opinions. Bad.


However, this group ended up being a huge exception. On the first day of class I met Alysia and Kelsey and they ended up being the girls I was assigned to work with. These girls were just fantastic to work with. They were always so positive and willing to work. I never felt like I was doing more than my fair share. They were even nice enough to cover for me when I went home for Megan's graduation when I really probably didn't pull my weight. We all had similar standards and expectations for grades and were all willing to work hard for it. Plus, we all ended up being friends. We had some late nights and loopy mornings filled with laughter.


Part of why our project went so well was that we chose a topic we were passionate about. We are all single girls here at BYU and so dating is definitely part of our lives. It took us a long time and a lot of work but we developed a strong thesis statement. All through the process we loved what we were researching and were interested in it. It was never a chore.


However there were proposals, drafts, peer critiques, conferences, a final paper and a presentation involved in this project and class and so consequently it took up a lot of time. School doesn't usually get a fair share of time on my blog so today I wanted to try and show you what I did for the past 7 weeks.


If you really want to you can click here and read the whole paper. I uploaded it as a google doc so don't judge us if the formatting looks funny. [Note: We got a 94% on it so it's actually pretty good. Long, but good.]


The thing is I doubt most of you really want to read a whole paper. [except my Mom & Jord who proof all my papers for me - THANK YOU!] It's kinda long. So for those of who don't want to read the paper [& for those of you who do - because if you read the paper you really should see the rest of what we did]... I have tried my best to recreate our presentation for you. Clearly it will being missing our voices and cute faces but if you use your imagination you can probably figure out about how it went .

So, without further ado--why Rachel fell off the face of the planet for spring term. Be excited. [FYI - I put my notes in brackets that way you can tell the difference between what was presentation stuff and what is just me].


[Oh, please keep in mind that our audience was a BYU class. Thus, our assumptions and framework are based on an audience with an LDS perspective. That is why we could use General Authorities as sources and references for why this topic is important and for some of our solutions. They have credibility among that group of people. If you are not a member of the LDS church, I promise that the research still backs up. Commitment is critical to the health of society.]


[Also, all the sources used are referenced in the paper so if you want to look something up or get more information or do some pleasure reading or whatever then just click on the paper link - they are at the end.]


[We started with this video. Watch it first.]



Okay, obviously asking someone on a date isn't actually that scary. But it really can be a cause of a lot of fear. Think about it. There is the fear of rejection - the fear that the other person won't reciprocate your feelings or  that you might be embarrassed. There is the fear of responsibility - asking someone on a date eventually has the potential to lead to a further relationship. And there is the fear of making a mistake - what if you pick the wrong person? or what if you can't make your relationship last? All of these are fears that have always played a role in dating relationships.


Let's start with the basics. What is a date? Well not that long ago,  it really wasn't hard to define.
"Men & women went out together on a planned activity, in which most often the man initiated the date, piced the woman up, and paid for any expenses."

The thing is young adults today aren't really dating. There was a national survey of colleges done by Norval Glenn and Elizabeth Marquardt for the Institution of American Values. In their study only half of the women reported going on 6 or more dates during their entire college career and one-third of the women reported going on two or fewer dates in all of their college years.


Instead, today's generation has turned to hanging out.

I'm pretty sure everyone knows what hanging out is. Mixed groups of people spend time together in a variety of settings. A study done here at BYU by Professor Bruce Chadwick found that 97 percent of BYU students report hanging out at least once per week.


So does this matter? What difference does it make if we are hanging out instead of dating? Well Elder Oaks said in a CES fireside that, "Dating involves commitments, if only for a few hours. Hanging out requires no commitments."

Today's dating culture can definitely be categorized by a lack of commitment.


Not only has dating changed from the past but the whole transtition from adolescence to adulthood is completely different. Researchers described the years from 18-25 as a distinct and separate part of life in which people stall adult responsibility. Today's generation has become "twentysomething Peter Pans."

Young adults today don't really care to grow up and take on the full responsibilities of their adult life and society doesn't require it anyway. Marriage used to be a pre-requisite, one of the very first steps to adulthood. Today it is postponed indefinitely. Expectations for when and how to grown up are vague at best. 

So, although fears of rejection, responsibility and mistakes have always influenced dating decisions, with the changed expectations of today's culture, they have led to a generation failing to commit. 

[Listen]



So obviously, one of the biggest fears we have when starting any relationship is the fear of rejection. One researcher explained, "The potential for a broken heart is one of the biggest drawbacks to traditional dating." That's really how we all feel. We want to have relationships but are afraid of rejection.

To avoid that rejection we try to find ways to be uncommitted to relationships. That way when something goes wrong, we can easily bail. Its easier to pretend that nothing happened if there wasn't ever a firm commitment to begin with. Think about the sterotypical man from our parent's generation who would pick up the phone and hang up multiple times before actually asking the girl out. He was afraid! Today instead of picking up the phone and calling we text our invitations and phrase them as being friends and hanging out. There aren't formal invitations when we hang out which reduces our fear of being rejected. 

The precedent of transitioning from hanging out to dating has not been established. One way this happens is through the infamous and dreaded DTR - Define the Relationship talk. Research found that two-thirds of BYU students report having at least one DTR each semester. But this approach is rather straightforward and gives much room for rejection. In fact only 20 percent of relationships progressed using DTRs. 

So where did the other relationships come from? Well, nonverbal cues was one way that was well reported. Showing interest through flirting and touching seems to have less potential for rejection. But the reality is that they end up in rejection just as often. We just set ourselves to get rejected in different ways.


The other thing we fear is getting rejected in a relationship itself. About 40 percent of BYU students interviewed in Chadwick's study reported being in a relationship they felt had promise and was progressing towards marriage. Within one semester, half of the students interviewed reported having broken up with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Most of these relationships initially held promise, but ended due to conflict, distance, maturity, cheating or other reasons.


These fears are totally understandable but to overcome them college students today turn to hanging out and avoiding commitment.


[Listen!]



Nancy McLaughlin did a study of Returned Missionaries (RMs) here at BYU and asked them the question, "What is the worst thing about dating here at BYU?"

One boy responded, “Probably getting into a situation where ya might have to make a commitment. ‘Cause right now, I’m not ready to get married. That’s for sure”

Needing to be ready for marriage has been important for such a long time. Think back. The expectation used to be that a man would be able to support and provide for a family. He needed education or skills to facilitate that. A woman needed to be able to cook, clean and sew to name a few. However, these things weren't ever a question. People did prepare and they did get married. Today, marriage is delayed indefinitely. The desire to prepare is exaggerated. Men may think that financial stability includes a house, career and car.

In the study that Professor Chadwick did he found that one-third of BYU men & women express "fear of responsibility" as a reason to delay marriage. Almost that many added "fear of parenthood."

A need to be able to care for themselves before caring for others has become especially prominent among women lately. HALF of the women in Chadwick's study here at BYU listed a desire to finish school as a reason to delay marriage. And in the national college study Glenn & Marquardt did one girl explained ten years from now her most important goal is to be self-sufficient so she doesn’t have to rely on anyone. Another explained that it was important for a woman to work so that she knows, “I can leave, I don’t have to put up with nonsense” Women refuse to leave it up to men to support them. 

Now, you may be saying but is this actually that big of a deal. People rush into marriages and get divorced because they weren't prepared or because they couldn't work together through finances. These things are important but the problem is that when the focus is exclusively on them we turn away from traditional dating with its responsibility and implied commitment and instead focus on hanging out style relationships with little to no commitment.

[Listen]

The fear of mistakes is another fear that has a big influence on how we form relationships. In our research we focused on two aspects of making a mistake. The fear of whether or not you can find that Mr. Right and the fear of being able to maintain a relationship with that person.


BYU students are no exception to the fear of mistakes. In Chadwick's study he asked what factors were influencing respondents to delay marriage. The number one response given by 59 percent of men and 58 percent of women as a strong or moderate influence was the fear of making a mistake.

To ensure a happy future many people desire to find a perfect person to date and marry. Professor Chadwick defined this as the Glass Slipper Syndrome. People wait around for their Prince Charming and refuse to date until they have found him. Or they break-up instead of working through problems. Professor Chadwick said this: "In rejecting the Cinderella complex, I am not suggesting that you marry just anyone. But I am suggesting that some of us may have raised the bar a little too high. There are very few perfect people in the world, and if you do get lucky and find one, he or she probably won't want to marry you anyway. But don't despair. The traits and characteristics we are looking for in a spouse will emerge out of the years of experience together. My advice is to look for the potential in a spouse and then help each other achieve your desires. In other words, good marriages are earned by experience, not found with glass slippers."

BYU students tend to have a list or at least an idealized image of what their future partner will be like. They put off dating until the list of "musts" is met. Instead of being a list to avoid mistakes as it probably was originally intended it ends up causing them to judge others and fail to commit because of potential inadequacies seen. It takes away the importance of love, trust and commitment in developing relationships.


The fear that a relationship may not be able to be maintained is another aspect of the fear of mistakes. Today's generation has grown up in a culture where almost half of all marriages will end in divorce. One student could only describe a good marriage as "the opposite of my parents."

Growing up in the divorce revolution has had a huge impact on how young adults date. Some young adults have not only seen their parents generation divorce but has seen the first waves of divorce among their friends. Because of this they enter into relationships guarded and tentatively. They will not commit easily because they do not want to make those mistakes. 

[Listen]

Okay, So What? Why is a lack of commitment bad? Does it really even matter that much? Actually it does. Elder Oaks said, "Pressures against commitment obviously serve the devil's opposition to the Father's plan for his children."

Now we aren't saying that we are devil worshipers or sinners for hanging out but the reality is that commitment does play a big role in the Plan. 

The Family: A Proclamation to the world teaches that "The Family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."  

If we choose to avoid commitment we disrupt that plan. Marriage is based on commitments and those are practiced in traditional dating. Remember Elder Oaks taught us that hanging out requires no commitment.


So what do we do then? If the fears we have, in the context of today's society are allowing the current generation to avoid commitment what can we change?


After completing their national college survey Glenn & Marquardt prepared a report and they gave the following recommendations: (1) adults should have important roles in guiding courting and mating practices of the young; (2) men and women should understand that college women typically desire long-term commitment; (3) men need to take a greater initiative in dating relationships; and (4) socially prescribed rules and norms relevant to and appropriate for this generation need to be created.

We don't have time to elaborate on those right now. Each of them would be worth another paper but the point is that if such changes were made we could change the culture so that today's generation would have a framework to work from. Just think about the effects rules and norms could have. Such a change would allow young adults to recognize and start to overcome their fears.

The leaders of the church have given counsel on how to overcome the fears discussed. To overcome the fear of rejection President Uchtdorf told men to ask more girls out on dates and don't despair when rejection comes. Also to help this fear he told girls to be gentle! To overcome fears of responsibility Elder Oaks told RMs to grow up, gather courage and pair off. This definitely applies to the girls too. We can't be so afraid that we continue in our teenage dating patterns. To help with the fear of mistakes Elder Oaks explained that if we choose traditional dating it will help us learn how to treat each other as well as how to initiate and sustain relationships.

As a final quote we chose this one from Elder Oaks "Channel your association with the opposite sex into dating patterns that have the potential to mature into marriage, not hanging-out patterns that only have the prospect to mature into team sports like touch football. Marriage is not a group activity."

God's plan is about covenants which are commitments kept. Changes in adulthood have allowed young adults to give into their fears of rejection, responsibility and mistakes--leaving a generation failing to commit.

[We wanted to give the class something to help them remember to avoid hanging out and its lack of commitment. In his talk, Elder Oaks had explained that it is especially easy for young men to hang out when the women provide the food and shelter and that he wished that young women would lock their pantrys and put a sign on the door that says "will open for individual dates." So Kelsey made magnets that say just that for all of the girls to put on their fridges. The ones for the boys said "give a girl a ring" and had a picture of cell phone and a ring. :). ]




Phew. Is anyone still reading?


That was basically our presentation. Some of it the other girls gave and I didn't do their sections as well as they gave them in class. Plus it is hard to try to type a presentation because I used a lot of informal sentences when I was speaking that just wouldn't make sense written out.


If you are still here and want one more thing you really should watch this video. Divine Comedy (BYU's comedy group) did a spoof on Single Ladies. It is full of some classic BYU humor that you'll just love.





[P.S. So, I'm back. I survived my classes. Spring term is done. It went so fast. I really can't believe it's over actually. But it was good and happy. And hopefully [but don't hold your breath] I'll be able to start writing normally again. :) ]