The Miracle Question

Last semester we learned about a therapeutic technique called the Miracle Question. It's used in Solution-Focused or Brief Therapy. Today we studied it again for my Principles and Practices class and I wanted to share it with you because I've spent a lot of time thinking about it.

Basically here's how it goes:
[in my words because I have zero interest in going and finding the direct quote from my textbook right now]

Imagine that tonight, while you slept, a miracle occurred and the problem you are trying to solve is fixed. But because you are asleep, you don't know the miracle occurred. When you wake up tomorrow, what would be different in your life, what would be the things you would notice that would tell you life had suddenly changed for the better? 

I really like this question because not only do you have to think about what you want changed in your life but you have to think about how your life would be different because of that change. If your wish came true, what would actually be different?

Too often I think I sit wishing for my imaginary perfect life without actually considering the specifics of what I want changed or how my life would actually different. I spend my time waiting for the magical day when things will be different, when everything will be right.

Along that train of thought, it really didn't take me very long to think of the problem that I would want solved. I can pinpoint several things in my life that I want to be changed. However, it took a lot longer to think of how I would recognize the change and what would actually be different because of it.

But as much fun as dreaming about my answers was, the reality is that a miracle is not going to occur and unexpectedly change my life. Sorry to burst your bubble.

I have to change my life. If I want something to be different in my life, I have to make it so.

But I still loved this question. Because once I realized what problem I would want miraculously solved and how I would recognize the difference, I started to recognize specific aspects of my life that I could start to work on right now to actually make this miracle reality. It would be much easier if magically my problems were solved but then I wouldn't get the chance to learn from my experiences along the way, I wouldn't get the opportunity to make daily choices that can lead myself to my bigger goals.

So in the past few days I've been working on making specific plans for the process I need to use to work on becoming the person I want to be.  I can't just say that my goal is weight loss and expect to get anywhere. I have to think about what that looks like every day.

One of the problems I have in trying to make changes in my life is getting discouraged because I have a hard time seeing that today's efforts are actually doing anything to get me closer to the long term big goals that I have set for myself. Sometimes it's hard to see that the baby steps we are taking are actually getting us anywhere closer to where I want to be.

So in an effort to combat this thinking I have started trying to recognize small daily victories. I'm trying to be excited for the small successes of a single day rather than waiting to fully achieve a large goal to celebrate.

Because here's the thing. I only have today. I can do my best TODAY. That's all. I can plan and prepare for the future but I have to work on being better right now. And when I do something right, that's worth celebrating if only by having a spontaneous three minute dance party in my bedroom. [Yes, I do that. Don't judge me.] 

Today was a day where I was good at taking baby steps. Nothing that happened today was particularly significant. They were really rather small. But they were all things that will help me with the bigger goals and plans I have for myself. It was a day that I am going to bed happy with what I've accomplished. 

They were: 

cutting my timed mile run down by 1:30 from six weeks ago 

increasing my timed situps and pushups by five each from six weeks ago

passing one of my government immigration tests at work

getting the oil changed in my car

cooking and packaging up lunches and dinners for the rest of the week

doing all of this week's homework

pushing through an ab workout before bed

blogging! 

See, nothing particularly noteworthy or spectacular on it's own. But when you consider the bigger goals I am working toward, when I think about the person I am trying to become each of them becomes suddenly very important. And worth celebrating. And I mean that. Set a goal, plan a reward. But in the meantime, make plans for how you can recognize that value of today's efforts in making your life different and helping you to fix the problem that you would want solved. Push yourself to do better but be nice to yourself when you make mistakes. 

Missing

Sorry I've been missing for basically the last two months. I really feel terribly about it.

Basically here's the Sparknotes version of what went down:

Moved to Las Vegas
Started Classes.
Met Boy.
Went on First Date.
Went on Second Date.
Started Dating.
Dated.
Dated. [and by dated I mean I was wined and dined. This boy spoiled me.]
Dated.
Had a birthday.
Did just barely enough homework.
Went to the gym like once.
Didn't really get enough sleep.
Dated.
Dated.
Dated.


And then we broke up.
Well, to be accurate, I broke up with him.


And then I started to put my life back together:

Called Home.
Slept.
Prayed.
Cried.
Slept.
Went to the Gym.
Did Homework.
Called Friends.
Prayed.
Slept.
Did Homework.
Baked.
Baked.
Slept.
Prayed.
Did Homework.

And now I am finally getting to the point that I'm ready to start writing again.


My head and my heart still hurt a little bit but I am sure this was the right decision for me right now.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: The details are journaled elsewhere. Much as I love being able to share my life and adventures and thoughts, there are some things that are mine and mine only. Plus. I have nothing bad to say about this boy and wouldn't want something to be misunderstood by someone stumbling across this blog.

But one thought I will share:

Remember when I wrote about making a cake? [If not you should go read it]
I've been thinking about it a lot lately... when I wrote that post I asked myself a question:

"And why settle for a teaspoon of sugar by itself when you can have Magelby's?"

I think that sums up what the past few months were. It was sugar, very sweet to be sure. But it wasn't the whole thing. I don't know if I just don't have all the ingredients I need yet or if I need more practice or if the oven simply wasn't ready at the right temperature at the right time but I knew that this was not going to be the Magelby's cake I want. 

So for now I'm back to basics. Scriptures, prayer, homework, the gym. And it will all work out in the end. 

P.S. Important thanks to be given:
My family. They are simply wonderful for always taking my calls and listening to me cry and always being patient enough to help me figure out my thoughts on my own instead of telling me what I should already know.
My friends. I am so lucky to have people in my life who know me well enough to know my goals and plans and the things that are most important to me. And I'm even luckier to have those people be willing to bluntly tell me when I'm not being true to myself.
My roommates. In case you didn't know I thrive on hugs. And there aren't a ton of people down here to give me hugs right now. I'm so lucky to have roommates who will give me a hug, a smile, and listen patiently. Even better, they give encouraging words and are cheerfully helping me figure out my day to day. Seriously, tender mercies in my life and I am SO grateful to have them.

Small Things

It's that time again... the beginning of a new semester, and for me a new program, a new school, a new city, a new ward, a new apartment, a new roommate, a new life really.

I have always been a big fan of fresh starts. I love the chance you have to sit back and reevaluate life, set new goals, try to improve. Refocus. Though this one has been harder than others to be sure. I am far away from everything that I know and I can see very little of the road ahead of me.

But I'm ready. I feel like this new adventure - all of it - will be such an opportunity to push myself to grow. When we were little when we'd go ice skating, roller blading, skiing my mom would ask if we had fallen. Because she said if we weren't falling, we weren't learning. I like that. I'm sure I will fall a few times in the next while. But I will definitely be learning.

My theme for this semester is coming from the Doctrine and Covenants. A book I treasure and love.

D&C 64: 31-33
31 And behold, I, the Lord, declare unto you, and my words are sure and shall not fail, that they shall obtain it.
32 But all things must come to pass in their time.
33 Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.

I picked this scripture for two reasons. One because of verse 32. I am trying to learn patience. Trying to learn to accept Heavenly Father's timeline as my own. The second is for verse 33. Small things. I am going to try to stop constantly worrying and stressing about the HUGE goals I am reaching for, the BIG dreams I have. Instead I am going to focus on consistently doing small things that can and will eventually help me achieve those. And I'm going to let those be enough. This is my foundation time. The other things will come in their time.

So I've set specific small goals for this semester that I think will help me reach my longterm dreams eventually. They are back to basics, but will be so important to me as I reach for bigger plans.

The picture was from Monday, the first day of school. It's your classic, must-have first day picture. Taken mirror style since my mom wasn't around to take it. :]

My first days have been really good. I am so happy to be a student. I love being in a classroom. Surrounded by eager peers and led by a professor who wants our success. I love the atmosphere of campus. I love the chance I have right now. This opportunity is incredible. I know that classroom is where I am supposed to be. I've been envious of friends serving missions, afraid that I made the wrong decision. But I had a major confirmation that this is right, right now.

"If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Don't give in. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

So here goes everything. The next two and a half years are going to be the opportunity of a lifetime and I can't wait to see all the things they have in store. I am not the same girl who started at BYU four years ago and I imagine that I will look back and be able to say that I am not the same girl who started at UNLV by the time we are done.

Rainbows

Life's been a little hard for me lately. In case you hadn't noticed. Sister getting married. Trying to span the gap between BYU and UNLV. It's a weird time of life. And I hadn't really felt like myself.

The other day we were driving and I saw this rainbow. It's not the best picture ever nor was it the best rainbow ever but it triggered a thought that has meant a lot to me.

Rainbows only come after rain. [Well duh Rachel.] But really. To see a rainbow there has to be a rainstorm.

Sometimes to see some of the most beautiful things you have to weather the storm first. And life can kinda be like that.

It's stormy now. And not a refreshing summer thunderstorm kind of storm. A rainstorm that leaves you wet and miserable and cold. But you know what. That's okay. Because after the rainstorm comes the rainbow. And I'm willing to wait it out for that.

Growing Pains

You probably know by now that my little sister Megan is engaged to be married.

If you didn't know then mosey on over to her blog and read the story. It's cute. They will be getting married October 14 in the St. George LDS Temple. Reception in Idaho on October 22.

And just so that we're all proper and what not...

Blog, meet Derek.

Good. Now we have all the introductions and formalities taken care of. 

So let's talk about growing pains. 

Today in church the speaker told a story about her granddaughter who is about 6 years old.

One day her granddaughter had a terrible pain in her leg. The grandmother asked what was wrong and her granddaughter told her it was a growing pain. Her grandmother asked if she could do anything and her granddaughter replied "No, it's okay. I need the pain so I can grow."

She explained how this relates to us: You need the pain so you can grow. If your life is crappy right now - you're growing.

Can I be perfectly honest with you? I've been feeling pretty crappy at various points over the last week. 

Don't get me wrong. I am THRILLED. I am so happy for my little sister to get married. She found someone she loves that she wants to spend her life and her eternity with. She gets to start on an amazing adventure with her best friend right by her side. And he really is her best friend. They are so happy together. They have similar senses of humor, love to work hard and to play hard. He is a gentleman and treats her well. Is careful with her. He is such a good kid. You can tell that he has a genuine heart. 

But. 

I am also horribly jealous. And terribly lonely. 

I never imagined that my little sister would get married before I would. Not in a million years. I'm the big sister. This was one of those things that was supposed to happen just like it always did. I would go first. She would benefit from my experience and we'd both have adventures together. That's how high school went. And college. But this will be different.  

I know I can't dictate timelines. I just always expected. And now my changed expectations are stressful to me. It's weird to me that my little sister will be getting married before I have even had a first kiss. [Yes, 21 and still virgin lips. I know.] I generally have come to terms with my single status but when it's being shoved back in my face [sometimes literally by little brothers] it is harder to deal with. 

I feel like I'm getting left behind. She's growing up and moving on without me. We've always done things together and if there was an age requirement I did it just a touch before and she followed right after. This time it's going to be different. And different doesn't mean bad. It just means different. And I'm still putting that altogether in my head.  

So in short, a lot of happiness, excitement, a lot of jealousy and lonely with a pinch of resentment and guilt. Makes sense that I'm a basket case no? I cried for an hour last night. A solid hour. Just let it all come out. 

But the point of writing all of this is not to ask for sympathy or validation. Please keep the attention on my darling sister. She deserves the happiest congratulations. 

The point is that after hearing that story today in Sacrament Meeting I think I have a better understanding of what I'm feeling.

Here's what I'm learning:

"Life never was intended to be easy. Rather, it is a period of proving and growth. It is interwoven with difficulties, challenges, and burdens. We are immersed in a sea of persistent, worldly pressures that could destroy our happiness. Yet these very forces, if squarely faced, provide opportunity for tremendous personal growth and development. The conquering of adversity produces strength of character, forges self-confidence, engenders self-respect, and assures success in righteous endeavor."  - Elder Richard G. Scott

I'm having growing pains. And I need them. That doesn't make it any more pleasant or any less real. It still hurts. But when you realize that you need it, it changes everything. That perspective shift makes all the difference in the world.  Before I was feeling "this hurts. It's not fair. My life is not how I wanted and I don't know why or what else to do." That's way different than understanding "This hurts. But I need it. And when it's gone I'll have grown a little more toward the girl I want to become."

To summarize:

Growing Pains

by Dayle King Searle

Dear Lord, please forgive

my foolish, selfish tears.

Please understand

and wipe away my fears.

I know that this will help me grow

and reach a higher plane,

But growing isn’t easy,

and I’m having growing pains.

Lessons Learned From Skiing

1. If you don't like something, do something about.

I've hated winter for a long long time. I just don't really like the snow. It makes a mess of the sidewalks and the roads and makes it hard to get things done. But this winter I decided that I was going to pick up a winter sport.  And so I went sledding with my ward. I went bobsledding.  And today we went skiing. And do you know what? My perspective has totally changed. Yesterday it snowed ALL day long. And it didn't bother me in the least. In fact, I was actually kind of happy about it. Secretly and quietly. But quite happy about it. Really, this winter hasn't been nearly as bad as others. And it's because I did something about it. 

2. Always be honest. Completely and totally.  From everyone's perspectives. 

Long story but there was some confusion with passes today and we were doing what we thought would be honest but it didn't work for the people at the park. It turned into a mess of a situation and I feel so sad about how it all worked out. Hindsight is 20/20 but looking back we could have handled it much better. 

3. There are more muscles in my legs than I knew I had before. 

They are talking to me right now. Saying ouchie! Also, turns out bruises on your shins are extremely painful. 

4. Skiing on the bunny hill with 4 year olds makes you feel a little bit lame. 

Granted, I learned a lot by practicing on the bunny hill. Switching directions. Stopping better. Keeping my skis parallel. But when you are getting passed by little little kids you are slightly embarrassed.  

5. Everyone needs friends like Alyssa and Dan.

I hadn't been skiing since about 8th grade. So I had a lot of relearning to do today. I was slow and awkward and slow. But Lyss and Dan waited with me the whole time and patiently taught me. They could've done probably twice as many runs and done way cooler stuff but instead they went slowly with me, encouraging, teaching, watching, laughing, helping. I had one of the best days today and it was a direct result of them. 

All is well.

BYU has a beautiful bell tower that plays Come, Come Ye Saints on the hour. I have slightly mixed feelings about hearing it because I know if I'm hearing it it generally means I'm going to be late to work or class. :) In all seriousness, I love hearing the bells chime through the air. 

"Come, come ye Saints. 

No toil nor labor fear. 

But with joy wend your way. 

Though hard to you this journey may appear,

grace shall be as your day."

As I hum along I love thinking to myself "All is well, All is well." Because typically all is well. And if I'm feeling like it's not, that little tune is a good reminder to stop, take a deep breath and reconsider my perspectives. 

Today though when I heard the bell tower (yes, I was late to class) my mind went instead to the second verse. 

"Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!"

Lately, I've been drowning in school, in work, in insomnia and fatigue, in a lack of motivation. Which really equates to a dreadful case of senioritis. I can't find the motivation to finish things lately and have no desire to do my homework. I just want to be done. 

Today though, the line "Why should we think to earn a great reward, if we now shun the fight?" really stood out to me. I cannot give up yet. How can I think of good things to come for this summer, for grad school if I'm not willing to work hard right now? 

I'm not going to say that I went straight to the library and finished my homework for the next week. Because I didn't. But I did work an 8 hour shift to help my boss with a crazy moving process. And I did get an awful 5 page paper done that had been hanging over my head for days.  And I did take a long relaxing shower. And I did feel much better about my day. 

It's 4 weeks until graduation. Just 28 days. That's not very long and it would be so easy to just give up and say C's get degrees. But I'm not going to. I'm going to work hard and finish strong. Because in the fight is where the real reward comes. 

You're sitting on a chair IN THE SKY

This was a marvelous weekend. I ditched class (again) and flew to Lincoln, Nebraska. My flights were lovely. The way to Minneapolis I sat with a lady who had been in my major years ago and on the way to Lincoln I sat with a soldier on his way home from an 11 month tour in Afghanistan.

We landed in Lincoln and I was greeted by the sunshine and 65 degrees. Let me repeat for emphasis... 65 degrees. It was beautiful. I was SO happy to see the sun!

I settled into my hotel room and changed. Got picked up by one of the current grad students [who was LDS so I got to hear about the LDS scene] and went to dinner with the grad students and other interviewees. I got to hang out with his kids first and I became buddies with his three year old. It was awesome. :)

Friday was interviews. I loved it. Everything about it. My text to my dad was "Done. And I think I'm falling in love with Nebraska." His response was "Really?" And to that I say, Yes, yes I think I am .

I loved the program, I loved the professors, I loved my conversations with them and with the grad students. I loved the feeling of the campus. It felt right.

Plus it was 70 degrees. And there was sunshine. I got to sit outside for 30 minutes.

They told me it was false advertising. But it sold me.

My airport experience back was less than ideal. They couldn't find my itinerary. And then security didn't even open so I was just waiting... turns out I could've slept in for another half hour. Lincoln to Minneapolis was fine. But then Minneapolis to Salt Lake City. Not my favorite flight.

I had book reader on one side who insisted on taking the middle armrest and not the one on the window side. And then on the other side there was a little bit bigger than average joe and so he was kinda in my space. The whole time.

I couldn't even use my laptop because it turns out you can't type with your elbows scrunched into your sides. All the homework I'd planed on doing. Couldn't. And I was annoyed.

But then I thought of this clip. 

"You're sitting on a chair IN THE SKY." 

Why on earth was I complaining? I was flying through the air at hundreds of miles per hour. I could get from Nebraska to Minneapolis to Salt Lake in a matter of hours. And maybe not first class. But quite comfortably really. 

So what I'm saying here is technology rocks and I probably shouldn't complain when something is a little bit not my favorite. 

Saturday night I was with Christine. We made brownies and were watching a chick flick when 4 boys came into our apartment and asked us one word each if "we. wanted. to. go. on. a. date. somewhere. to. get. ice cream." 

So we went out. It was a little unclear for a minute whom we each were on a date with. Spontaneous group dates have that potential. But it was way better than a Saturday night alone and it all worked out in the end. And it was fun. We ate YoZone [always a favorite] and laughed. What a good night. 

Sunday I got to sing with choirs twice. And we had boys over for dinner. And then my roommates and I had a sleepover. A legit, real sleepover. We pulled our mattresses into the living room and girl talked into the wee hours of the night. It was happy. :) 

Today, after an adventure with Lyss and Dan, I took a 2 1/2 hour nap. Oops. Oh well. :) 

So... basically my weekend was rockin' awesome. Except for the part where I have a 5 page paper due tomorrow and only have like a page written. Oh well. Tomorrow will be a new day. 

Also, you should go check out this post by my new friend Tenery [who always makes me laugh and is totally rad - I don't know why it took us so long to become friends.]. It was dedicated to me. :) Also she made me pumpkin pieish deliciousness today. Basically she rocks. 

So go over and read her fabulous blogposts. And while you are there leave her some lovin'... everyone likes comments. 

Especially me... so tell me - what fabulous things did you do with your weekend?

And to end this post, a random quote from Sunday... "We should live in the living room. LIVING room!" Thank you Andrea. :)