My Sister

I'm sorry for my apparent lack of life lately. My life just gets faster and faster and when I get behind I just can't bring myself to write until I have time to sit down and write about all of the things that I want to. But it's been two weeks since I last wrote and I have a lot worth talking about so instead of writing a huge, completely unreadable marathon post like I usually do I thought I try breaking this up into some of the biggest things that have been in the last two weeks.

So to start I would like to dedicate this post to my sister.

I flew home on Friday night (with Dad actually, by accident, which was so happy) and stayed until early Wednesday morning to be at Megan's high school graduation. [p.s. thanks again to Patrick and Sam for driving me to & from the airport - you are the best!] It was a wonderful weekend. I got to just hang out with my family. I got to spend a lot of time catching up with old friends at Megan's graduation party. I got to play with all of the little cousins. They are adorable. Plus, I love that they think I am so cool. I got to drive stick shift again. I got to spend a couple hours with a dear friend, one of my favorite high school teachers. She has stayed close since then and it was wonderful to sit down and catch up. And most of all I got to hang out with my sister.

My sister is my best friend. I love her so much. We had some hard times in high school. We fought. A lot. But we have grown up and matured over the past few years and learned what is important. And that is each other and our family more than anything else. Megan and I get each other. We sing at the top of our lungs together. We watch stupid TV shows and laugh our heads off. We jump on each other to wake the other one up in the morning yelling "fishy! fishy! why! are! you! sleeping?" We take dozens of goofy pictures. We get in tickle fights and I always win when I tickle her under her chin and she laughs my favorite laugh. We watch chick flicks and fight over who called dibs first on the hot actors. We stay up all night talking. We give each other advice that the other one doesn't want to hear. We giggle together. We call and talk about nothing for hours. We cry together. We help each other deal with boys. We have silly jokes - Guess What? I LOVE YOU! We give each other huge squish hugs that we pretend we don't want but would secretly miss so much. We go shopping and tell each other what jeans we can and cannot wear. We get in flour fights and water fights. We turn everything we do into a competition so much that Mom has an oft repeated line "life is not a competition between you and your sister." We steal each others clothes and shoes but we don't really care anymore. We tease each other. We laugh together. We love each other.

My sister is freaking awesome. She plays the flute (don't tell her - but she is better than me). She sang in the madrigals and was a lead in the musical Guys and Dolls during her junior year. She graduated with Honors and was in the National Honor Society. She competed at the National History Day competition in Washington D.C. She earned her Young Women Recognition Award for completing her Personal Progress. She is going to Southern Utah University in Cedar City, Utah next year with a scholarship and is majoring in Outdoor Recreation and Parks and Tourism. (She'll be taking rock climbing, horsemanship, etc... - seriously?!) She is working for the farm (in addition to normal chores like the garden) doing things like changing water and working cows to earn the money she needs for college.

I'm so excited for Megan and all of the things that are coming up in her life. She is going to do incredible things. For sure. :)

Here are a few more pictures from graduation day:

yes, we might be weird. it's okay. we know. 

And for perspective's sake - Here's a picture from 3 years ago when I graduated. We all look a bit different I think. 

Point is though. I love my sister so so much. And I'm so happy for her. And I'll put up some more things soon! 

P.S. Megan started a blog! Click here!

G.N.O.

Friday night was one of my favorite nights. It was a G.N.O. [Girl's Night Out]. My roommates [plus Whitney who is practically a roommate] and I all went out. We started by getting all ready while blasting Courtney's boy hatelist playlist.

Then we all hopped in Kourtney's car. Our first stop was dinner.

[L-R: Whitney, Courtney, Rachel, Sarah, Kourtney]

 We drove up to Bridal Veil Falls to find a fire pit for the highlight of the evening. 

They were all full but when we asked one group if they knew where another one might be they offered theirs since they were they leaving. It was super nice of them plus then we didn't even have to start the fire. We set up our camp chairs, pulled out the music, broke out some Martinelli's, and started by singing Picture to Burn at the top of our lungs. The Boy Bash Bonfire was underway.

The goal of the night is summed up very nicely in the quote on the box Court is holding. "Old flames must burn so new ones can start." All of us burned pictures and memories that we were holding onto from the past. The goal at the end of the night was to finally let go. We listened to angry girl music and threw things into the fire. Court had some really good stuff. She brought up some ugly teddy bears and dried roses from ex's that we burned. We roasted smores and just had the funnest time. We had an awards ceremony and laughed and sang all evening. 

We came home and finished up the night by watching John Tucker Must Die. Absolutely perfect. It was the best G.N.O. ever. [Though for future reference, sleeping with smoky hair is not the best idea].

Other things to note from recently: I took my first Finance midterm and I got a 100%! I spent several hours tutoring a sweet girl in my class before it was time to take the test. Not only did I get to help her but it really prepared me. I really love the material. It's fun.  Having a magic calculator doesn't hurt either. I spent 2 HOURS outside in my swimsuit by the pool just soaking up the sun. Finally the weather decided to be warm and it made me SO happy. I love sunshine SO much. SO much. You have no idea how wonderful I felt after being warmed to the bone by the sun. The gym is my happy place. Wedding receptions can be so awkward when you haven't seen that part of your family for years. No one even recognized me. New clothes, perfect makeup and a good hairdo make for feeling so good. I love my roommates. Sundays are the best days. I love my ward. The balance between new and old friends is so much fun for me. We had some fantastic lessons today. Sunday naps, reading and conversations in the sun are glorious.

And as a P.S.:  Here's a big hug. There are several people who read this who I wish I could hug right now. This will have to do for now.

Learning to Live

I've been spending time alone again.

Not a lot. But more than I had been.

And time by myself leads to thinking.

If you hadn't noticed, the future has been on my mind a lot. I think at least every other post, if not every single one, has references the things I'm wanting to happen, things I'm worried about, things I'm excited about, to decisions coming up, etc. And that is just when I bothered to write about it. It felt like I was almost always focused on what is coming next. This in and of itself is not a bad thing. Looking toward the future and planning ahead are both important things to do.

But lately the future has been a source of great anxiety and stress. I was scared of the changes coming at the semester with roommates leaving and new roommates coming. I was worried about the summer. I was worried about fall schedules. I was stressed about taking the GRE. I was anxious about applying to grad school. I realized that I need to decide for myself whether or not to serve a mission. And always I was longing and waiting and wishing and dreaming for a boy. It was overwhelming. And even when I wasn't on the edge of a nervous breakdown [of which I had more than one] it was always on my mind.

Then, as it always does, life brought changes. Some of the changes were the things I had been anxiously anticipating - new roommates and friends, new opportunites. Some were rather unexpected. My life was kinda shaken up by the time it was all done. When my emotions settled and I could breathe again I started thinking again. And where did I end up? The future of course.

But this time I had a little bit different perspective [courtesy of cake, scriptures, and prayer] and this time a thought came to me.

I was spending so much time focusing on things in the future that I had stopped living life right now.

Honestly, I really had put my life on hold because I was so consumed with all of those things. The thing is, they are still quite far away. Yes, each of the decisions and changes are a part of the next year but ultimately I have time! Really, I still have an entire year.

And just think about what can happen in a year! Between May 2007 when I graduated and the next April when I had finished my freshman year I was an entirely different person. I had different life goals, I was nicer, I had started losing weight. In one semester of my sophmore year I met boys that would become my best friends and change everything. In seven weeks in London and some time at home I asked myself hard questions and ultimately found out who I was and that I actually liked that person. This year I've been learning about change, about people, about trust, about love.

There is so much that can happen in this next year before any of those big future stresses really matter. But I'll miss all of it if I stay focused on the future. I have the chance right now to live today. What else matters?

I decided right then and there that I was going try to live today. That's all I really can do after all. It's all I have control over. And if I learn to live for today then hopefully I will have a life full of rich memories to look back on, no matter what happens in the future. It's not easy to shift your focus. This wasn't a one time epiphany and simple life change. It's going to take work.

But can I tell you what a good week I've had? I gave up on structuring out everything to every second. I gave up on planning and plotting and stressing and worrying. I still had priorities but I let myself forget about the "but I really shoulds". I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to.

Tuesday I got to chat with Lyss and Eva for a little bit and I talked to Heather and then I had a lot of homework so I just stayed home in my sweats and blankets and finished my homework.

Wednesday I went to Acoustic Explosion with Dan [for guitar class] and then we worked on some wedding things for him and Lyss.

Thursday night Courtney [my fantastic roommate] and Whitney [one of her friends who is now my friend!] wanted something fun to do and were trying to figure it out when we got invited to go to Iron Man 2 at midnight. We had to wait outside in the cold for an hour and a half but it was so much fun! We were with 4 boys from Heber that Court knew from her old ward and we just laughed the whole time.

Friday night the boys invited us to come up to Heber for a bonfire. Court and I dashed to the mall and half an hour later came out with a new sweatshirt and cardigan with yummy perfume samples sprayed on. :). We (with Whit) drove up, played at the bonfire, climbed a tower, rode 4-wheelers, drank hot chocolate, watched the boys play in a childhood rivalry game of basketball and watched tv.

Saturday I slept in, went to the gym, and then drove up to Salt Lake to the Hale Center Theatre. Grandpa and I had tickets to The Three Muskeeteers. It was fantastic. I absolutely loved it. [It is playing until June 5 and it would be well worth your time and money. I'll even go again if you want someone to go with.] He took me out to dinner after and I got a good Grandpa hug. Then when I got back Court and Whit and I went to shakes at Sammy's with the boys and then spent hours playing at a secret park.

Sunday I gave a talk in Sacrament meeting on Mothers and taught Relief Society about prayer. I came home and took a lovely two hour nap and spent the evening working on a paper [about value - a really cool assignment] and watching a movie with Court [Can I just mention how much I enjoy this girl! She is exactly the person I needed in my life right now. We get along really well and have similar tastes in music, humor, boys, the way people should act, etc... She really makes me happy].

Monday I ran to the health center to get blood pressure and weight checked. I've lost 7 pounds! Finally I'm on my way down again! :] I stopped at Jiffy Lube for an oil change - probably one of my favorite places - they are so kind and respectful and courteous. Opening doors, patiently explaining what they need to do, seriously the best manners you will ever find. Patrick and I watched 24 and studied for the GRE. Sarah was kinda stressed out so she and Kourtney and I talked for a long time about boys and life.

Tuesday I ran to the gym and then Dan and I worked on some more wedding plans for him and Lyss. [It is so hard to plan a wedding for someone who is out of the country. Gah!] Then Court and Whit and I had blueberry muffins and watched silly youtube videos.

Wednesday night I spent some time in the library helping a girl in my Family Finance class. We have our first midterm today and tomorrow and math is really stressful for her. Like not just hard, but really makes her anxious. I had helped her in class so she asked if I could work with her some more. Then I went home and watched 27 Dresses and did my homework.

My room was a little messy a couple times during the week. I didn't always get as much sleep as I would have chosen. I wasn't at the gym as many times as I would've liked. But for the first time in a long time, I didn't spend every second stressing about the future. And I had so much fun. I was happy all week long. I got important things done but I didn't let them overwhelm every decision and thought.

The things that were stressing me out aren't gone. They are very real and are very important. But I'm going to really try to let them be important in their own way at their own time and not allow them to constantly be on my mind. Because today's sunshine is what I have been given. And I want to make the most of it. So I'm learning to live.

"I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey - now." - President Thomas S. Monson, 2008.

Making a Cake

We all wonder many times over WHY? Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?"

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.

"Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"

"Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"

"Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! "

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

[story shared with me by my dear friend Lauren]

A raw egg probably describes last night quite well. Pretty bad by itself. But in the bigger picture it will be important. The details are journaled elsewhere. As much as I love my blog and love all of you who read it, there are some things that need to be mine and mine only.

A few thoughts that are running through my mind: I am so unsure about myself and about my life. I'm a little embarassed, a little hurt, a lot confused and mostly just numb. I feel like it was all a bad dream and that I'm going to wake up and everything will be okay. I think I jumped to conclusions and I wonder what might have happened if I had just listened and said things a little differently at the beginning. I made mistakes; I wasn't myself. I finally said some things that needed to be said, but I don't know if they were understood the way I wanted them to be. Flip flops are not a good choice of footwear for a long walk. At the end of it all, as everything replays through my mind again and again, I still don't really understand. Most of all, I hope I didn't ruin everything. The stairwell is a great place to cry and I'm surprised I lasted that long before I lost it. New roommates can become good friends very quickly when you need a smile and a reassuring word. And Mom's are the best for listening to middle of the night phone calls.

But as I climbed out of bed this morning, even with all of those things running through my mind, what I noticed first and what was at the front of my mind was that the sun came up and that with it I had been given another day. I have another chance to get things right, to be better. I woke up thinking about the example of the cake. Yesterday was a raw egg. Slowly over the next few weeks, months, and years, I'll collect my flour, my pinch of salt and my sugar. Baking takes a lot of patience and a lot of practice. Each day gives me one more ingredient, one more chance to see how much to stir, how to grease the pan and how hot to bake it.

Right now I don't know if my cake is going to be plain vanilla or good old carrot cake. Maybe I'll get lucky and find some cocoa and it will be chocolate! I haven't gotten that far yet. But I will, I have time. In the meanwhile, I have a lot of decisions at hand. A lot of choices that will determine how my cake turns out. I can't see the final product until I make those decisions. So today the question is butter or margerine? Tommorrow I'll decide- baking soda or powder? And slowly but surely things will come together. They don't make cake by themselves. But why settle for a teaspoon of sugar by itself when you can have Magelby's?

picture from here... there is nothing like it

I don't know if this post makes sense to anyone but me. But I don't really care. It's my thoughts for today. I'm making a cake (slash making my life) one ingredient and day at a time and trusting that God will help me to make it the very best it can be.

The Book of Mormon

I invite you to watch this video. I add my testimony to Elder Holland's. The Book of Mormon is true. It testifies of Jesus Christ as our Savior and Reedeemer and invites people closer to God. Living based on its principles brings happiness and hope in this world full of confusion and trials. I say this because I have experienced it myself. It has changed my life. The Book of Mormon is evidence that Joseph Smith was a prophet called by God to be an instrument in the restoration of the fulness of truth and the Gospel back to the world.

If you have questions about the Book of Mormon or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints please comment, email or call me. Or to learn more visit mormon.org. And if you haven't, read the Book of Mormon for yourself. If you would like a copy, I am more than happy to get you one. Just let me know.

Tulips

I've wanted to go to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point for a long time but there has always been a reason why I couldn't get there. Today was the last day of this year's festival and so I really wanted to get up there. When I woke up it was snowing. (Please note the date - May 1 - is snow really necessary? seriously.) I was so disappointed. I mean, I could still go but it would probably just be kinda miserable. But by the time I got back from the gym and got ready for the day, the snow/rain had stopped and the sun was even occasionally peeking through. I was so excited and left to drive up.

It was one of the most magical things I have done since London. Actually it was almost like a piece of London was here for me. Different to be sure. But lovely just the same. Much of my experience in London was based around the time I spent alone in the gardens. And that is what I had the chance to do today.

I walked into the gardens and was just overwhelmed by the smell. I've tried to capture some of the beauty in the pictures that I posted but I wish there was some way to share with you the smell. There really isn't a way to describe it. It was clean and fresh. There was a touch of grass, a bit of blossoms from the trees and then the overwhelming smell of the tulips. The whole effect was magnified by the dampness left from the snow and rain and it was just amazing.

I spent hours just walking around. I watched families wander around with their children and strollers, laughing and talking with the occasional yell, "NO... don't go in the flowers!" I heard many many languages from visitors from other countries. I saw young couples meandering hand in hand stopping to ask for pictures. And there were old couples, moving much slower, but still hand in hand. And there were just a few people like me. People who were alone. I wondered what each of their stories were, why they happened to end up in the gardens on a crisp spring afternoon by themselves. I sat and read my scriptures, something I often did in the gardens in London. I took pictures for some sweet ladies. I was complimented for my purple coat. Mostly I just soaked up every second of the beauty that was around me. Happiest of all was when the sun came out at the end. Not just peeked out, but came and stayed for more than a few minutes.

[you really should click on the pictures to see the blown up versions so that you can look at the detail. these little ones really don't do it justice at all.]

I'm so glad I got the chance to go see the tulips, to walk around the garden, to feel the sunshine, to just be me. It was absolutely beautiful and it gave me time to think about how beautiful life is too. I feel so much better than yesterday. The sun did come out - both in the sky and in my life.