it's the climb.

i can almost see it.

that dream i'm dreaming

but there's a voice inside my head saying

"you'll never reach it"

every step i'm taking

every move i make feels

lost with no direction

my faith is shaking

but i gotta keep trying

gotta keep my head held high

there's always gonna be another mountain

i'm always going wanna make it move

always gonna be an uphill battle

sometimes i'm gonna have to lose

it ain't about how fast i get there

ain't about what's waiting on the other side.

it's the climb

you can hate miley if you want.

but this IS a good song.

and right now.

it's my song.

"sometimes i'm gonna have to lose."

i never thought i would say this. but you know what? losing is okay.

things don't have to go the way i thought they would.

i don't have to reach the top first.

i don't have to do things perfectly along the way.

i don't have to do things the way other people say.

because it's the climb that matters.

and even half way up has a great view if you look around to find it.

bottom.

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I am sick again. So that means missing work, missing more class. It means feeling miserable. It means the little bit of homesick that always happens when I visit home was infinitely worse. But I can deal with all of that. Really, I can. I have an understanding boss and great coworkers who will pick up my slack. I have friends who will take notes for me. I have a mother who is a saint or an angel or both and lets me call even at 3:00 in the morning when I am feeling sick. What made today a bad day was that on top of feeling miserable and homesick, I failed a test. Not completely. But close. It was really really bad. So now I feel bad about myself, too. I'm just so frustrated. I don't know what else to do. Especially because last week I thought I had a really really good week. I was doing everything I am supposed to. I was at the gym every morning at 5:30, showered and at work at 8:00, did classes and spent every evening in the library. I packed all of my meals each night and took them with me. In between all of that I went to fhe, attended a meeting so I can start volunteering at a women's shelter, baked cookies for my visiting teaching girls, went to the store for sick roommates and got ready to visit home for the weekend. I called my parents on Thursday just bouncing off of the walls, grinning because I was "having the best day." So why didn't it pay off? What else am I supposed to do? Something has to change because I obviously have to spend more time on physiology. And on my health. But what? None of those things can really go. So I'm frustrated with myself. Tonight is a hitting the bottom kind of night. But the thing about hitting the bottom is that things can only go up from here. And they will. They always do. The sun will come up again tomorrow and bring with it a new day with new challenges and new blessings. So tonight I'm miserable physically, mentally, emotionally. But I won't let my failure of an immune system or one physiology test keep me there for long. Because bottom is not who I choose to be.

twenty

A year ago today I wrote a summary of my life to that point and wrote out nineteen goals for the upcoming year. I can honestly say that at least in part I fulfilled each and every one of them. It was an amazing year.

Nineteen things of note from my nineteenth year:

- learning to love the library

- phoenix with mom, dad and megan

- declaring my major in human development & minor in nutrition

- not failing o chem

- getting a 100% - perfect score - on an exam in the testing center

- pulling my gpa up to a 3.72

- losing weight

- learning to love running

- J33>J17 & the friendships resulting from that

- stitches on my forehead from snowshoeing

- London.

- London.

- Did I mention London?

- two summer weddings

- things checked off of my to-do list - CPR certification, double decker bus, taxi

- spending a summer at home with my family

- going to girl's camp as a leader

- starting a new fall as a junior

- swine flu

And now my next adventure begins. I am twenty years old. I feel a little bit old to be perfectly honest. But it is a happy old, an excited old. Because I realize just how much life has in store for me. And I can hardly wait. I have a feeling my next few years are going to be some of my best. It is all there just waiting for me to go out and grab. And I'm going to. Do you remember my thought from London - "Change your life"? Well that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to change my life and I'm going to make a difference in the world around me. So goals for this year: To Be Determined. But they are going to be awesome. I'm reaching high, going to shoot for the sun.

I'll have to write all about my last hours as teenager and my birthday itself later... but when I look back on my twentieth birthday I hope I remember that I was happy, excited, and dreaming big.

Something small.

Something small just made my day today and I just had to share...

After my classes I wanted to finish up my pdbio lab so that I wouldn't have to worry about it before next week. I only needed about 10 minutes so I went to sit down somewhere really quick outside. In front of the JFSB there are lots of trees surrounded by different heights of cement that make perfect seats. I wanted to choose a spot in the sun and so I ended up climbing up onto one of the higher edges. It felt amazing to sit in the warm sun. I was very content. But while I was studying all of my pages slipped out of my folder onto the ground. I was sad because I'd have to jump down and get them and then climb back up but then out of no where a boy came a picked them all up and handed them to me with a "Have a good day."

I know that isn't anything huge but it really meant a lot to me. And it made me think about how it really is just the small things that make the most difference. Little acts of kindness, friendliness and caring aren't really very little at all. So my goal for the day... go share that small act of kindness with someone else.