Last week I gave my sister my facebook password with instructions to not return it to me until all of my assignments were completed.
I'm not the worst facebook addict in the world but I definitely use it as a distraction and I needed to stay as focused as possible last week in order to finish all the papers and assignments I had left to turn in. I also blocked Google Reader [how I follow blogs - you HAVE to try it] from my laptop so that I wouldn't waste any time stalking people that way. [I follow 80 something blogs. Wasting time there is a legitimate concern.]
Since I finished my assignments I got my facebook password back and added reader back to my allowed websites.
The thing is though, I'm realizing that in addition to just being better able to get things done, last week might have been really good for me in another way.
You see, facebook and blogs are fabulous tools for keeping up with friends, poking your little sister, getting new news, sharing pictures with your mom, getting new recipe ideas and finding new fashion tips.
But they also really good ways to sit and compare yourself with other people and their lives.
Today while I was catching up on blogs I actually started paying attention to the dialogue going on in my head and this is what I heard:
I'm not as smart as her. I'm not as pretty as she is. I'll never be that skinny. I'm not that witty and funny. I don't have time to cook and clean like she does. My pictures are just from a point and shoot. I'm not talented enough to...
And I stopped and said now WAIT a minute. This is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
It took a week away from all of it, a detox if you will, for me to be able to pay enough attention to myself to realize that subconsciously I've been making myself sick. Absolutely ill.
Do you remember back in October when I did the Recapturing Beauty challenge? [Posts here, here and here.] I learned so much about beauty. That I am beautiful the way I am. I accepted myself as me. And yet, here I am six months later. Realizing that I allow other people to make me feel differently about myself.
I realized that in all my facebooking and blog stalking I'd forgotten that I am unique.
But they also really good ways to sit and compare yourself with other people and their lives.
Today while I was catching up on blogs I actually started paying attention to the dialogue going on in my head and this is what I heard:
I'm not as smart as her. I'm not as pretty as she is. I'll never be that skinny. I'm not that witty and funny. I don't have time to cook and clean like she does. My pictures are just from a point and shoot. I'm not talented enough to...
And I stopped and said now WAIT a minute. This is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
It took a week away from all of it, a detox if you will, for me to be able to pay enough attention to myself to realize that subconsciously I've been making myself sick. Absolutely ill.
Do you remember back in October when I did the Recapturing Beauty challenge? [Posts here, here and here.] I learned so much about beauty. That I am beautiful the way I am. I accepted myself as me. And yet, here I am six months later. Realizing that I allow other people to make me feel differently about myself.
I realized that in all my facebooking and blog stalking I'd forgotten that I am unique.
I'm not saying that I'm going to get off facebook again or that I'm going to stop blog stalking. Because I'm not.
What I am saying is that I don't need to compare myself while I'm doing it. I am unique. Why would I try to be like anyone else?
I need to be conscientious of what I think about when I read other people's blogs. Turns out, they aren't perfect. And I don't need to be either.
My dad and I had a conversation last week during one of my breakdowns. [I always call my dad during breakdowns. Mom first for sympathy but then dad. It goes like this - Rachel: Dad, this is one of those I'm-having-a-breakdown-times-and-I-need-you. Dad: Need me to tell you the world isn't ending and that you'll be okay? Rachel: Yeah. One of those.] He reminded me that I don't have to be perfect. That this life is meant to be a process of constant refinement and betterment. That if I'm better than I was yesterday then that's good enough.
That probably is something I was already aware of but at that moment it was the lightbulb moment I needed to realize that the changes I've made since getting to BYU are HUGE. And that I can keep making more changes. And that's all I have to do.
He also told me to take a nap.
If you are feeling down on yourself or the world taking a nap is probably the best thing you could do for yourself.
This turned into one of my long winded moments. Sorry. The point is. My detox made me realize that I don't have to waste time comparing myself to everyone else. I'm beautiful. I'm doing the best I can. And that's all I can ask of myself.
And I probably am going to structure my blog/facebook time a little more so I don't find myself there when I'm already feeling crummy.
P.S. Carly posted some beautiful thoughts that fit right along with what I'm trying to say. Go check it out. She's probably one of the cutest girls on the planet and brightens my day every time I see her.
